


Sex Marry Kill: Mystic Falls Style

by minor distractions (deebee73)



Series: Random Encounters Series [1]
Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 09:51:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5535410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deebee73/pseuds/minor%20distractions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elena poured another round of shots. "So ladies why don't we make things a little more interesting? This game is okay using celebrities, but the real fun doesn't begin until it's people that you know."</p>
<p>Bonnie let out a snort. Even in her alcohol induced haze she knew there was no way this was going to end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex Marry Kill: Mystic Falls Style

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in the version of season seven that only exists in my head.

"Okay Bonnie," Caroline said after taking another shot of Patron, "It's your turn."

"Hit me."

"Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans and Chris Pratt."

Bonnie scrunched up her nose. "That's not fair. Do I really have to kill one?"

"Duh," Elena said. "The rules are right there in the name of the game. Sex, marry or kill. Quit stalling."

"Fine. I'd have sex with Chris Hemsworth cause obviously. I'd marry Chris Evans because nobody is going to be a better husband than Captain America."

"I guess that means you're killing Chris Pratt."

"Sorry Chris Pratt," Bonnie said as she giggled. "I loved you on Parks and Rec, though." She ate a handful of popcorn before turning to Caroline. "Your turn."

Caroline rubbed her hands together in anticipation. "Make it a good one, Bon."

"How about this? Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling and Ryan Seacrest."

"That's way too easy. Have sex with Reynolds, marry Gosling and kill Seacrest. Boom. Done."

"Wow. You showed zero hesitation about offing Seacrest."

"That man is responsible for putting the Kardashians on television. If that doesn't deserve some sort of punishment, I don't know what does."

Elena poured another round of shots. "So ladies why don't we make things a little more interesting? This game is okay using celebrities, but the real fun doesn't begin until it's people that you know."

Bonnie let out a snort. Even in her alcohol induced haze she knew there was no way this was going to end well.

"I'm game." Caroline said. "Elena, since this is your great idea we'll start with you."

"Bring it on."

"I've got a good one for you. Klaus, Elijah and Kol."

"Oh come on." Elena scoffed. "Do we really have to start with three people that have tried to kill me?"

"Hey, you're the one that wanted to use guys we know; if we start eliminating people that have tried to kill us, this will be a really short game."

"Wait, isn't Kol dead again?" Bonnie asked.

"Oh who can even keep up," Caroline said impatiently. "Elena, I'm waiting."

"Fine," Elena sighed. "I guess I'd have sex with Kol. Someone that unpredictable almost has to be good in bed. I'd marry Elijah because at least he has some sense of honor and I must admit the man looks good in a suit. Killing Klaus is a no brainer. I hate him and there is no way I could spend an eternity listening to all that whining."

Bonnie was just tipsy enough to hope that if she sat perfectly still and didn't say anything, Elena and Caroline would forget it was her turn.

"Back to you, Bonbon." Elena said.

Bonnie tried to steel her nerves with another shot of tequila. "Let's get it over with."

"I'd like to make a suggestion." Caroline exclaimed before leaning over to whisper in Elena's ear.

"Wait a minute," Bonnie interjected. "That's not fair. You're not supposed to collaborate." The evil little smile that blossomed on Elena's face combined with the mischievous gleam in Caroline's eye, gave Bonnie a very good idea of how things were about to go.

"Bonnie?"

"Yes, Elena."

"Your choices are Matt, Enzo and," Elena paused for dramatic effect but Bonnie knew with every fiber of her being what the next name out of Elena's mouth was going to be. "Kai."

"I don't suppose I'll be allowed to forfeit my turn."

"Hell no, you are not wiggling your way out of this one Bennett."

"I'd marry Matt. He's kind, attractive, and loyal; all traits you'd want in a partner." Bonnie's voice went down several decibels as she mumbled the next part of her answer. "I guess I'd have sex with Enzo and kill Kai."

"I'm sorry," Caroline said while leaning in closer. "I didn't quite get that."

Bonnie repeated herself despite knowing that Caroline had heard her perfectly well. "I said I'd have sex with Enzo and kill Kai."

Elena and Caroline shared a glance before turning their disappointed faces to Bonnie. "Enzo?" Caroline asked incredulously. "You'd have sex with Enzo? Do you even know his last name?"

"Does anybody?" Elena whispered under her breath.

"I don't know what the big deal is. You asked and I answered. It's just a stupid game anyway, what difference does it make? It's not like I'm actually going to be marrying, killing or having sex with any of them."

"Yeah, I guess." Caroline's face was awash in disbelief. "But Enzo, really?"

"Did you really think I was going to say I'd have sex with Kai?" Bonnie asked. "Kai 'He Shot Me With An Arrow' Parker?"

"To be fair it was only a flesh wound and it's not like he was aiming to kill." Elena elbowed Caroline in the ribs. "What? That's what Kai told me."

"Come on, Bonnie. It's just us. Game aside; can you honestly say that you don't find Kai attractive at all?"

Bonnie knew she was in a no win situation. She was a human being with eyes that worked pretty well so of course she found Kai attractive. However, she knew to admit such a thing out loud would mean she would never hear the end of it. On the other hand, if she lied both Caroline and Elena would know. One of the drawbacks of vampire besties was their uncanny ability to detect the slightest change in breathing patterns or an accelerated heartbeat; both tell-tale signs of lying.

"I suppose," Bonnie admitted, "That on a purely aesthetic level Kai is a good looking guy." It's not like she'd given any real thought to the angle of his jawline, the lushness of his lips or the way his body seemed to be growing more toned and muscular by the second. Nope, she hadn't really noticed any of that.

Caroline's expression was one of absolute confusion. "So if you think he's hot. . ."

"I did not use the word hot."

Caroline carried on as though Bonnie hadn't said anything. "Why wouldn't you choose him for the sex?"

"Think about this Bonnie," Elena began, "He hasn't had any in almost twenty years. The first woman that locks that down is going to get the ride of a lifetime. There's no good reason that woman can't be you."

"You probably wouldn't even make it to a bed. He'd just pick you up and slam you against the wall and just start. . ."

Bonnie cut Caroline off. "You two have officially lost your minds." She scooted down to the edge of the bed and stood up. "I'm going downstairs.

"Don't be like that Bonnie," Elena simpered.

"We promise not to say another word about Kai and all the intense, angry wall sex you could potentially be having with him."

"You're really not helping, Care." Elena sighed. "We're sorry if we upset you, Bonnie."

"I'm not upset. I'm just going to get something to eat."

Bonnie strode out the door and into the hallway before either of them could say anything else. She couldn't help but wonder how a simple pajama party game with her friends had spiraled into a discussion about her having sex with Kai against a wall. Although she had to admit, the things they said had sent about a thousand filthy images skittering through her mind; images she immediately dismissed as alcohol fueled temporary insanity.

Bonnie loved raiding Damon and Stefan's kitchen. Despite the fact that the inhabitants and the majority of the visitors were vampires, they always kept the fridge and cabinets fully stocked. She was rummaging through the fridge when she heard someone clear their throat. She jumped slightly then turned around to find Kai leaning in the doorway, his hand stuck in a box of cereal. He was wearing a black tank top and a pair of loose grey sweatpants that were hanging dangerously low on his slim hips. His feet were bare and he was sporting a serious case of bedhead.

"Damn it, Kai. You scared the shit out of me," Bonnie panted. "What are you doing?"

"Same thing as you, Bonnie Bennett. Couldn't sleep so I came down to get a midnight snack."

"I meant what are you doing here in general?"

"Doesn't everyone that shows up in Mystic Falls end up staying here at some point or other? You've got to admit that the brothers Salvatore have a pretty liberal open door policy."

Bonnie really couldn't argue that point. One never knew who they might find lurking the halls of the boarding house. "Did Tyler finally come to his senses and have you kicked off the Lockwood property?"

"Nah, Fido knows better. I just needed a place to crash while I have the house fumigated."

"What's the point of fumigating over there if the biggest pest in existence is over here?"

"Oh Bon, you're hilarious," Kai said as he hopped up on the kitchen counter. "Somehow, I've got ants."

"Somehow? That's what happens when you live like an errant frat boy and leave half empty pork rind bags and opened soda cans all over the place."

"Be that as it may, I had to vacate the premises. I knew Damon and Stefan were on some ill-advised road trip to New Orleans and that the door is never locked; so here I am."

"You mean, you didn't even ask them if you could stay here."

"No." Kai said around a mouth full of Cap'n Crunch. "So what?"

"Who does that? You can't just invite yourself into someone's home."

"Well I did and boy am I glad. Otherwise I'd have never seen you in those adorable Hello Kitty pajamas."

Bonnie had forgotten that she was in just a skimpy tank top and a pair of sleeping shorts. What she was wearing was completely appropriate for bedtime but being in the room with Kai made her feel exposed. He wasn't openly leering but she could still practically feel his gaze on her bare legs. Bonnie had been contemplating making a sandwich but decided it might be the best to just grab something and get out of the kitchen as soon as possible. She pulled a jar of peanut butter from the cabinet and grabbed a spoon from the drawer. She was just about to leave the kitchen when an awful thought occurred to her.

"Wait a minute. Have you been here all night?"

"Yep."

"Have you been eavesdropping on us?"

"Yep." Kai said again with no hesitation. "Not on purpose, but I was passing by on my way down here and I heard my name. I've got to be honest Bonbon, I'm hurt. I get choosing Dudley Do-Right for marriage. He's loyal, kind and about as exciting as a lukewarm bowl of instant oatmeal; perfect husband material I guess. But when you get to choose someone for a cheap tawdry fling, how could you pick that jackass Enzo over me? I feel so betrayed right now."

"What is with you people? It is just a game. Would it make any sense at all for me to be even remotely interested in having sex with Enzo? My choices for that stupid game have absolutely no reflection on anything I want to actually happen."

"Huh." Kai seemed to be deep in thought. "So what you're really saying is you picked Enzo to save face in front of Caroline and Elena, but in real life you'd pick me. I can accept that."

"Are you delusional? That's not what I said at all."

"Welp," Kai said as he slipped off the counter, "That's what I got out of it."

"This is a ridiculous conversation and I refuse to have it."

"Suit yourself. I'm going to bed and I'll let you get back to your sleepover. Don't hesitate to wake me if you need a referee for the lingerie pillow fight."

"Not in your wildest dreams, pervert."

"Hey Bon?" She turned around to find Kai looming over her. He backed her up against the counter and planted a hand on either side of her body, effectively boxing her in. "Just for the record," he leaned in close and whispered in her ear. "I'd have sex with you. I'd marry you. And I'd kill anybody that tried to get in my way." Kai's warm breath sent a shiver up Bonnie's spine. His words set off a strange flutter in the pit of her stomach.

He pulled back, letting his gaze drift from her eyes to her mouth and back again. Bonnie watched, entranced as Kai's bright pink tongue darted out and swiped across his full bottom lip. They were so close together that Bonnie knew if either of them leaned forward so much as an inch, their mouths would collide. Her eyes were slowly starting to drift shut in anticipation, when Kai suddenly straightened up and stepped back; the look on his face reaching a level of smugness that mere words could not begin to describe.

"But it's just a game, right?" Kai grabbed the box of Cap'n Crunch off the counter. "Goodnight, Bonnie." He left the room without as much as a backwards glance.

Bonnie slumped against the counter, slack jawed and breathless trying to figure out exactly what had just happened.


End file.
